Diary of a Fat Girl with a Pretty Face: What you didnt know about me!

I have to say that my whole i have always been fat. I got teased a little bit when i was in first grade until about third grade. After that i never really got teased to my face because i always had a nice and fun nature about myself, so i think people tended to look past it. I have always been conscious of my body being over weight and hoped that everyone else did not see me as that. As a young girl, I was always involved with sports... i was on a competitive swim team and i played tennis... eventually turned into a tom boy loving any kind of sport except soccer. In middle school, i still began to get bigger and focused on volleyball, basketball, and tennis for my school. In summer, i would go away to summer camp for 2-3 weeks every year and always did active stuff there as well. I was always active but never could control my eating! The older i got the more upset i became about my weight and always had body image problems i thought i was much larger than i really was and thought i would never loose weight!

When i was away at camp at 15, for some reason something was bothering me but i couldn't figure out what it was, the last night of camp we had a campfire and i looked out at the lake and cried hysterically and i told myself that when i got home i would know why. I laughed for a second and said no only crazy people talk like that. Turns out that week my dad was missing from the alcohol rehab he had been attending. The day i came back i went to a party on the beach at the coast guard station. Some people asked to used the bathrooms because they were going to an island off the beach to have a picnic. They just happened to find my dad's body there dead! Being so young none of my friends really knew how to support me but i had my mom.

As school started so did volleyball, i became very sore and thought it was just from all the sliding and what not from volleyball. I then got strep throat twice that season. Then one morning i was paralyzed, i couldn't move anything but my head!!! I was freezing and needed a blanket on me but couldn't have one on me because it burned my skin. I couldn't move for hours which means i couldn't even get out of bed to go to the bathroom... this would happen every morning and my mom brought me to all these different doctors and no one could figure out what was wrong with me and many people thought i was just depressed from my dad passing but i knew it wasn't....there was a long series of other symptoms that came with this paralysis my memory began to go, my hair was falling out in big clumps, my joints were always sore, i would get these migraines that felt like an electric shock going through my head, i couldn't talk properly, my hands would shake, and much more... My mom always knew what it was... I finally went to specialist in Lyme Disease and it was confirmed that i had Neurological Lyme Disease- meaning i got bit by a tic about 10 years before i got really sick and since it went undetected for soo long the bacteria from the take made it to my brain and damaged it. When a big thing happens in your life the lyme tends to really start attacking your body and making itself known.

Being on the right medicine made me better but still not well enough for school, so i began getting a home tutor. This was extremely difficult for me because i have always been active in sports and socially with my friends. It also began to be easier to eat even more and i was not physically able to walk that much to compensate the extra calories... I always was aware of the foods that i ate were bad for me but i would just think about the moment of pleasure and not the long term effect. My mom and I did weight watchers and because of all the different medicine i was on my weight loss was very slow... also i didn't commit 110%... i would eat like 3 cups of pasta for some dinner thinking oh well for the pasta is 12 points, i can take that... Since my weight loss every week was like .2 or .4 lbs my body image issues were very much at present.... i always picture myself to be about 100lbs more than i really am.. here is a picture of myself at 16.

that's me on the left and on the right is how i saw myself... which is ridiculous since that girl was more than 200lbs bigger than me... so i got discouraged because i saw the difference in my clothes but not the difference in my body... i began to eat more and again reverted to my old ways of eating and still not exercising... i became very lazy physically for the next 6 years of my life. Although i went to college full time had a part time job that turned to full time at one point, partied with my friends, and did field work as well. This lack of excersize lasted until my 22nd birthday, i said this would be it!!!!!! and i started on my weight loss journey having losing 70lbs!!!

i was really starting to love my body for the first time... still saw myself as much bigger prob around the size of my start weight... and then i just stopped everything and again reverted back to my old lifestyle..slowly but surely... i wasn't planning on eating that way forever and kept eating all the really bad stuff saying oh but i will be starting back on program next week... next week never truly came until i gained all my weight back in the year and half time period. i know how i should eat and am now doing this for my health and am not stopping until i am finished!!!